The journey itself, is freedom
by Ainzfern
12
It was not often these days that Raoul Am felt anything but a deep sense of contentment and pleasure upon arriving home to the Eos Tower apartment that he shared with his mate. Even after all this time as Companion to the brilliant and fascinating mongrel known as Katze, the Elite was still delighted on a deeply personal level, still filled with a kind of pure and uncomplicated joy, at being welcomed home by someone who loved him.
However, Raoul noted with a mild frown as his Furniture, Mika, met him with a worried look and a quiet greeting, such a thing was not happening this evening. He knew that Katze would have beaten him home today, as he generally did when he wasn't working those impossible hours on some Syndicate IT project; but the very fact that he wasn't in evidence to greet Raoul himself, coupled with Mika's anxious expression, led the Blondie to speculate that something was seriously amiss.
"Mika?" Raoul asked, his voice soft but clearly no-nonsense, as the Furniture carefully removed Raoul's heavy sash-coat for hanging. "Where is Katze?"
"On the balcony, Master Raoul," Mike replied, his dark eyes glancing in the direction of the sliding glass doors that lead out to the apartment's balcony.
"Hmm," Raoul deep green eyes narrowed thoughtfully. "And how many cigarettes has he managed to get through since arriving home?"
Mika grimaced almost apologetically. "I would have to say 'a lot', Master Raoul."
"I see." Whatever was wrong, was a serious matter then. As peculiar as it might seem to an outside observer, gauging the level of Katze's ashtray as an indicator to the severity of what might be bothering him, Raoul had found it quite helpful in times gone past.
Dismissing Mika with a nod, Raoul strode across the room and out into the mild sun-warmed air of the evening. The sun was just beginning to set, its red-gold glow painting the distant cityscape with a soft sepia wash of color. Raoul did not pause in his stride, but went directly to where his silent Companion was standing at the balcony railing, crushing out his ubiquitous smoke before draining his bottle of beer and setting the empty on the table beside him, next to his packet of cigarettes. As the sound of Raoul's footsteps reached his ears Katze turned and smiled wanly, leaning into the Blondie's side as Raoul slid one arm around his waist and leaned in close to kiss his unusually strained and weary face.
"Hey," Katze murmured in greeting, returning Raoul's kiss. He lifted one hand and stroked over the thick hair that spilled down across Raoul's right shoulder, twining it through his fingers for a moment before almost absently pushing the heavy wealth back over the Elite's broad shoulder. "How y'doing?"
"I am fine, Katze," Raoul replied, pulling back a little to look down into Katze's striking eyes. "But you, I can see quite clearly, are not."
"No," Katze wet his lips, his face growing even bleaker.
Lifting one hand, Raoul pushed Katze's hair, burnished deep auburn by the settling sun, back out of his eyes, his touch gentle and intended to soothe. "Will you tell me?" he asked softly.
Katze nodded, slowly extricating himself from Raoul's hold and turning back to look over the cityscape once more, his long-fingered and dexterous hands gripping the railing firmly. And he began to talk. Bluntly, with no sugar coating or softening of details, he told the full and unabridged story of the ex-Pet named Enif, who now worked for Riki. And he told of Dian, the mate that Enif had been blessed to find in his abandonment, and of the dreadful death of this harmless creature. And Katze talked of his own shame, his anger at himself for failing to acknowledge, to think, to see, that all around him people were bound in misery while he nonchalantly made money off the backs of their suffering.
Raoul listened carefully, taking close note of the details, of what words were said and how they were spoken. And as Katze's orations drew to a close, he remained silent, his eyes deeply contemplative and his full mouth pursed with thought.
"Riki is correct, you know," he said at last, tilting his head to one side and regarding Katze with perceptive eyes. "The actions you have taken since then – assisting Riki with the Hepstra program, freeing the ex-Pets held in the factories and warehouses run by the Ceres market, even simply seeing such people in the renewed light – are more than enough to compensate that."
"I don't know, Raoul," Katze said thickly. "Today... God, it really brought it home to me. Seeing Enif's pain, that absolute bare-faced fucking agony – it hurt like hell."
"Katze," Raoul shook his head. "Those days are past. They are gone. You must forgive yourself and move past them too."
"How am I supposed to do that?" Katze rounded on him. "How could I say that the part I played in the misery of those people could ever be forgiven?"
Raoul remained silent, his beautiful face almost expressionless, while he subjected his agitated Companion to long and calculating stare. At length, the Elite sighed softly, a certain pensive light entering his splendid eyes. "I see," he murmured. "It is a reasonable question, I suppose, even if somewhat emotional in its motivation."
Katze sighed deeply, turning away once more, his gaze lifting to stare out across the rapidly darkening city.
"However," Raoul stepped smoothly behind him, sliding his arms around Katze's chest and resting his chin on a broad shoulder as he continued, softly, to speak, "allow me to put certain other past actions to you from a different perspective."
He smiled and tightened his hold on his mate.
"Some time ago," he said in his deep and velvet toned voice, "not so very far back in my own past, I deliberately harmed a man – a mongrel Furniture, to be precise about it – for no better reason than the fact that he had dared to ask me a question," he chuckled ruefully. "A mere question, Katze."
Against his chest, within his arms, Katze had become completely still.
"I just reached out and gripped his shoulder hard enough to break his skin and puncture his flesh," Raoul pressed his face into Katze's hair for a moment, the softness and the scent soothing him as always. "I damaged the muscles and tendons of his shoulder quite badly with that single act, and I could have gone even further, had I wanted to. I could have killed this man. I could have increased my hold and thrown him hard enough across the room to break most of the bones in his body. I could have even torn his arm away, leaving him dying of shock and blood loss."
"Raoul..." Katze whispered hoarsely.
"I did none of those things, fortunately," Raoul cut Katze off quietly, but firmly. "But, nevertheless, I hurt him quite seriously. I inflicted severe enough wounds to leave scars upon his shoulder that only medical intervention could fade and, even worse than that," the Blondie's voice became oddly tight. "At the time this incident occurred, this man I had so cruelly injured was so afraid of me that he struggled not to escape, but just to keep from even crying out in agony lest it angered me further."
As Raoul paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts, he heard Katze swallow hard; felt the intensity running though the man's entire body.
"I suppose I don't have to tell you, Katze, how much I regret that act. Because, as you well know... that man, that fragile and perfect human being, has become the most important part of my life. So, why did I react in such a manner to a simple question?" Raoul continued, one arm staying wrapped around Katze's torso, the other lifting, an elegant hand stroking soothingly over a tense forearm. "Why did I deny your very humanity? Because I could. Because I had been raised and educated to believe that I was above the need to consider such laughable concepts as the feelings of mere 'lesser' creatures like mongrels or Pets. And, as an Elite, certainly no-one was going to tell me otherwise."
Katze turned in his embrace, facing him. "But you changed."
Raoul smiled. "Yes I did, didn't I? I will admit, initially I supported Iason's reforms because I believed in the man rather than the philosophy."
"But..?"
"But," Raoul nodded slowly, "as I grew to know you and accepted my own humanity, I found that I could no longer deny it from anyone else. I can honestly say that I am pleased that the breeding facilities now only produce a limited number of new Pets annually, that they are educated better and more prepared for life beyond their time with a master, that ownership contracts now ensure that Pet's rights are acknowledged..."
He cupped Katze's face with both hands ."But, looking back, upon the way I treated your kind, should I not also be forever made to answer for my ignorant lack of compassion, for my utter disregard for those who – according to the social dictates of the time – were beneath my status? Because, according to your specifications, I most certainly should be."
Katze pulled in a sharp breath, his eyes widening. "Raoul... I never meant to imply that—"
"I know," Raoul hushed him calmly. "I know this, Katze. I look into your eyes and I see no reproach, just love. I know I have your forgiveness."
Dropping his hands from Katze's face, he closed them over his stiff shoulders, giving him a gentle shake as he spoke. "Perhaps I can best answer your question with one of my own, yes?" he tilted his head a little. "Why should you freely give to me what you would withhold from yourself?"
In the wake of that question, he watched his Companion silently, waiting for his reaction. For a long moment Katze was still and taut in his arms, but finally he nodded, the tension in the flesh under Raoul's hands dissipating.
"Okay," he allowed. "It's a good question; I'll give you that."
"Well, I am a rather clever fellow, Katze," Raoul replied with mock-piety. "In case you hadn't noticed."
"Oh, I noticed, all right."
Raoul drew him close once more, wrapping his arms around his mate and holding him tightly, enjoying the warmth, the 'rightness' of the man in his arms. "What allows us forgiveness," he murmured, "is the fact that we realize we were wrong."
"Is that so?" There was still a note of skepticism in the redhead's voice, but no fight anymore.
"Yes, Katze. I believe that is how it is."
"I love you, you know." Katze sighed.
"I know you do," Raoul smiled and pressed a soft kiss to the redhead's brow, before guiding him back into the apartment with one arm about his shoulders. "I count on it every day."
Sitting in the room of his and Laron's apartment, Esra braced himself as he heard Laron arrive home and greet Kalad at the door as usual. The Furniture's tone, his manner as he greeted his Master, gave no hint of what he had Esra had discovered earlier in the afternoon and the ex-Pet was glad of it. This issue was one between him and his mate and, as fond as he was of Kalad, he really did feel that the Furniture had no place getting involved in this.
As Laron's footsteps came towards him, he found himself tensing up a little. He really had no idea what Laron was going to say, how he might react to Esra questioning him. He had no frame of reference for this moment, only knowing that it was something that had to be addressed.
He was no longer upset, that much was certainly true. He had been, at first. Distressed and confused as to why Laron would lie to him. But then he had calmed down and really thought logically about the whole situation. That Laron Tak loved him was undeniable. Laron had gone against years of education and conditioning and fallen in love with his Pet. The Elite had freed him and entered into a Companion contract with him. He had willingly changed his entire lifestyle to allow that to happen. Such profound acts, Esra honestly believed, could only have been motivated by profound love.
The kind of love, in fact, that he felt for Laron.
Esra was actually quite conflicted because, although he had the powerful conviction that Laron had lied to protect him from something, he was also deeply disappointed that his mate evidently did not think he was strong enough, emotionally or within his character, to confide such things in.
And that was the part that hurt.
So it was with genuinely wounded eyes, that Esra looked up from where he was sitting on the sofa, and met the deeply concerned gaze of his Companion. "Esra?" Laron peered closely at him, his large deep blue eyes assessing him shrewdly. "Something has happened," he stated flatly.
Esra nodded and drew in a deep breath. He had thought a lot about what he was going to say. He just had to hope that Laron would understand. "I ran into Sash today after I had coffee with Riki."
"I see," Laron frowned, sitting down on the edge of the coffee table in front of the sofa, bracing his hands on his knees and continuing to hold Esra's gaze with his. "I am assuming he said something rather unpleasant to you?"
Esra swallowed hard. "Yes he did." He looked down at his hands, clenched in his lap. "Laron, I know that I'm not that smart. I mean, I'll never be as intelligent as you, but... the thing is, you've never made me feel like I was stupid or... or lacking something in some way." He scrunched his eyes shut for a moment, breathing deeply to maintain his composure.
Laron looked aghast at him. "Esra, what on earth—?"
"I know that I only do a clerk's job at the archives, that it's not such an important or meaningful job, but..." he looked up again and smiled sadly, his dark eyes filling, "but you always made me feel proud of what I was doing, because I believed that you were proud of me."
Laron leaned forward, reaching one hand towards him. "Esra," he breathed, alarm building in his eyes, "where in God's name is this coming from?"
Esra sighed and averted his gaze once more. "When Sash told me that Kyle Li had dismissed you, I didn't believe him." From the corner of his eye he saw Laron sit back in shock, a thunderstruck expression on his face. "I thought that he had to be lying, that he was just making up a nasty story to upset me." Esra sat up a little more and lifted his chin. "So I came back here and I called you at your office. Because I knew that you would be able to put my mind at rest."
Laron closed his eyes, a fleeting grimace crossing his face.
"But you weren't there," Esra went on softly. "You hadn't been there for several days."
"No," Laron confirmed quietly, his voice low and even.
"Where were you?" Esra asked him.
"Partia today," Laron rubbed one hand over his suddenly weary face, "and, over the last few days, I have been arranging meetings with various contacts in other Syndicate departments."
"Networking?" Esra arched a knowing brow.
"Yes."
"Any luck so far?"
Laron sighed. "Nothing of any real potential, no."
Esra wet his lips, looking over Laron's appearance, his sharp eyes noting the Elite's tension, his evident weariness, seeing all the things that Laron had so successfully hidden from him suddenly making themselves known now that the truth had been found out. "Did Kyle actually dismiss you? Or did you resign for some reason?"
"I resigned, Esra," Laron set his jaw, the briefest flash of anger glinting in his eyes.
Unperturbed by it, knowing on some level that it was not meant for him, Esra nodded his acceptance of Laron's answer. "What made you leave?"
Laron looked levelly at him for a long moment, his full mouth pursed thoughtfully as he considered Esra's question. At length he relaxed and vented a rueful chuckle. "Kyle Li's bigotry did." He arched a sardonic brow at his mate. "He apparently does not approve of Elites with Companions... and he certainly does not intend to allow one to ever be promoted." Laron's beautiful face hardened. "That is not an acceptable situation for me, thus I left."
Esra's stomach tightened. "So it's my fault you lost your job."
Laron hissed softly, his eye flashing again. "No it is not!" He leaned forward and cupped Esra's chin, forcing the young man to look at him, to meet his eyes. "This is part of why I didn't wish you to know about my difficulties... because I knew that you would feel this way. It is not acceptable, Esra. Kyle Li, and his outrageously poor behavior, was the reason I left. You are not to blame."
"All right," Esra murmured, lifting one hand and curling his fingers gently around Laron's wrist. "I can accept that. But, the thing is, Laron... if we'd had this conversation at the start, I could have supported you in so many ways." He sighed as he touched Laron's face gently. "You're so tired. You're under such pressure right now," he continued, "I can see it now. You've had to hide that from me when, really, you shouldn't have. You've kept everything inside, not able to talk to anyone about it." He shook his head, smoothing his fingertips over Laron's brow. "I feel like I've let you down – no, please...," he held up one hand as Laron opened his mouth to negate the comment, "please, Laron, let me finish."
The Sapphire nodded, his face taut and unhappy.
"Don't you think that I know that if I had a problem, you would be there to help me, to talk to me and support me?" Esra sat back, his face solemn. "Don't you think that I want to be able to do the same thing for you? Just like any good Companion would?"
In the wake of that question, Laron stared at him for a long time, silent and deeply contemplative. Eventually, he seemed to come to some manner of inner conclusion, his expression smoothing out, his shoulders losing some of their rigidity. He moved forward, sliding gracefully off the low table and onto his knees in front of Esra. Kneeling there before him, his luminous deep blue eyes staring up at Esra as a myriad of expressions crossed his beautiful face, Laron took Esra's hands in his and held them gently. At length he smiled, a rueful and apologetic sort of smile, and shook his head. "Forgive me," he murmured, his thumbs stroking back and over the soft skin of Esra's hands. "Forgive me, Esra."
Esra felt a smile forming on his own face. The tension in his slender shoulders dissipated and he leaned forward, gently extricating his hands from Laron's so that he could lift them to frame the face before him, holding it gently. "Of course I forgive you." He lifted his shoulders in a little shrug. "I know why you did it, Laron. I just... I need you know that you don't have to hide the hard stuff from me. I wouldn't want you to hide things, anyway – because I want to be able to support you, to stand beside you. Even though there's nothing I can really do about it, at least I can let you know that you aren't alone; that I love you, no matter what," his smile softened, and his soft brown eyes were filled with deep affection. "The same way that you do for me," he added.
For a moment, just a bare instant, Laron's eyes shimmered brightly. He chuckled, reaching up to touch Esra's face with lingering fingertips. "How did you get so clever?" he whispered, a kind of wonder in his voice.
Esra pressed his brow to Laron's and closed his eyes. "The man I love freed me and made me think for myself... and I discovered that I was actually not too bad at it."
"Indeed you are not." Laron clasped Esra's hands again, pulling gently but insistently on him. "Come here," he said softly, his velvet voice deepening a little. "Come here and kiss me, Esra."
Huffing a soft laugh, Esra slipped forward off the sofa and into Laron's embrace, his arms sliding around a set of broad and powerful shoulders, his coltish legs straddling hard thighs. He sank his fingers into Laron's heavy wealth of cobalt hair, twining the satin strands around his fingers even as Laron mirrored the action, the Elite's own hands threading through Esra's soft hair, stroking it back from his sweet and open face. And he welcomed Laron's kiss as he always did, parting his lips and sighing happily when Laron increased the pressure a little, easing his tongue past Esra's teeth to tease and taste him with delicate and delightfully tickling little strokes.
Esra's breathing deepened and he pulled Laron tighter to him, kissing back with passion and enthusiasm. As he felt his own body hardening, his own flesh beginning to sing with the sweet sensations of burgeoning arousal, he scooted further up Laron's lap, seeking greater contact and more stimulation.
And there it was again... As he noticed virtually every time that he and Laron engaged in this type of physical interaction, he would inevitably feel Laron's erection pressing against him, as it was right now; an echoing hardness pushing exquisitely against his own. His Elite was as stiff as iron, the sheer heat of his blood-engorged member quite noticeable even through two layers of clothing. Esra made a soft sound that was almost like frustration, pulling his head back and gasping in a breath as Laron, momentarily deprived of Esra's lips, quite contentedly began to kiss his way along his mate's jaw line and down his smooth white neck.
"Laron?" Esra whispered breathlessly. He had to admit, he was a little nervous about this... still unsure why his mate had seemed so hesitant to initiate sexual congress between them. But, as their previous conversation had been all about clearing the air between them, he also honestly couldn't imagine a better time to do this. "Laron... I need to ask you something."
"Mmm?" Laron tilted his head and caught Esra's soft mouth once more, kissing him soundly before gently cupping the back of Esra's neck, tilting the ex-Pet's head to the other side so that he could graze his way along the soft white skin there as well.
"Why..." Esra broke off for a moment and licked his kiss-swollen lips, running his hands over Laron's hair once more, "why haven't we made love, yet?"
In his arms, Laron went completely and utterly still. Even his breathing halted for a moment. Then slowly, he straightened and sat back a little, looking seriously down in to Esra's eyes.
Biting his lower lip, Esra swallowed hard, wondering at the expression on the Sapphire's face, at what it might mean. "You touch me all the time," he went on softly, "and... well; please don't get me wrong, because I really enjoy it. I just— I wonder why you don't seem to want to go any further," he shrugged, accepting the real possibility that Riki had been right, that Laron just preferred not to have sex. "You don't seem to want to be with me in that way. I mean, it's okay if you don't. Really. I'm very happy just knowing that you love me enough to take care of my needs. But, seriously, if you're not actually enjoying it, you don't have to keep doing that, either."
Laron breath hitched in and he shook his head, his large eyes filling with genuine dismay. "Esra," he whispered, "oh, dear-heart that is the last thing I wanted you to think."
Esra blinked, staring at him.
Laron smiled, cupping the side of Esra's face. "I have been waiting," he said with warmth and affection, "with as much patience and willpower as I could possibly muster, for you to ask that very question of me."
"You have?"
"I have," Laron nodded wrapping his arms around Esra, tucking the ex-Pet's head under his chin and cuddling him into his body, tight and secure. "I don't want you to think for one moment that I don't adore you, or that my body doesn't react with intense desire for you, because," he pulled back again and looked into Esra's eyes, his rich mouth curving into a slow half-smile as he cast a deprecating little glance down at his lap, "as you can no doubt see, that is not the case at all."
Shaking his head, Esra shrugged at him, still somewhat perplexed. "Then, why...? I mean, why didn't you ask me? Why did you make yourself wait like that?"
Laron sobered again, pulling in a slow breath. "Because, for various reasons – most of which I now believe are completely redundant – I needed you to ask. I needed to be certain it was what you really wanted, as opposed to an engineered tendency to..." he hesitated, a frown creasing his normally smooth brow.
Esra nodded slowly, clarity arriving. "...To just obey your orders?" he finished softly.
The Sapphire's cheeks flushed ever so slightly and he winced at the words. "It's not very respectful to you at all now that I come to say it, is it?"
"Well, maybe not," Esra sighed. "But that doesn't mean it's not true. Or at least that it wasn't true at one time."
"I hate to think that I have hurt you, Esra."
Esra smiled at him. "You haven't. You really haven't, Laron." He leaned into his mate's solid warmth, once more sliding his arms around him, enjoying the heat of his body, the resilience and latent power of the strong limbs that immediately wrapped back around him. "But, there is one more thing I would like to ask you."
"Yes, Esra?"
Esra closed his eyes and nestled closer into Laron's chest, breathing deeply of the scent of the man, feeling his body react to the Elite's nearness, to the delicious notion of intimacy and fulfillment that Laron's very evident arousal promised. "Will you make love with me, please?"
"Oh yes, Esra," Laron's deep and beautiful chuckle reverberated against his ear. "I would be delighted."
The journey itself... – chapter 11 << >> The journey itself... – chapter 13