To thine own self
by Ainzfern
12
Some few days after sustaining his injury, Raoul found himself once more standing alone in the main experimental laboratory of Midas' Bio-Lab in the late hours of the night, a deeply preoccupied frown on his perfect face. The main difference between now and the last time he had walked the corridors of his facility only a few short weeks ago was now proudly displayed all around him.
The amniotic tanks. Manufacture of the completed units was scheduled to begin, once the human trials were deemed successful. However ten of them, the units for the trials, had already been carefully repositioned from the fabrication floor to here. Fitted out and fully ready to be used, they lined the far wall of the main lab like huge Perspex and steel warriors, formed up for battle.
Which was undeniably true, Raoul mused almost whimsically, when viewed from a certain perspective.
Slowly, he walked towards them, his boot heels clicking quite audibly across the floor. As he neared them, he tilted his head thoughtfully, his green eyes wide with thought. He rolled his left shoulder gently, easing the residual ache from the healing muscles and ligaments even as a small smile played across his full mouth. Fortunately, he had not been injured seriously enough to warrant immersion in one of the tanks himself. His remarkably resilient Elite body had rapidly healed itself of the gunshot wound. A fading scar and a tendency to ache a little when he was physically tired was all that now remained of the original damage.
Still, Raoul stroked his chin for a moment with his long fingers, sighing softly. It would have been quite amusing as a personal venture, certainly. The creator healed in his own creation.
Quite a pleasant symmetry to that thought, really...
Nevertheless, he had not needed the tanks. But there were certainly others who did.
The sequence of simulated tests had been completed, with outstanding success rates indicated in every analysis, just the day before. Raoul had been in touch with General Grace personally to offer the placements in the human trial program and had been quite gratified, from a scientific point of view of course, to be informed that he would be receiving quite a variety of volunteers.
Some had been scarred from burns; others had lost eyes or limbs from explosions or violent encounters in the line of duty. One had even lost part of his lower jaw. Within two days, seven men and two women would enter the Bio-Lab facility. Whatever pre-immersion surgery they might require would be performed, and they then would be carefully hooked up to breathing apparatus and closely monitored until such times as, theoretically, they were completely restored.
So... Raoul moved close to the last tank in the line, resting one elegant hand against the cool Perspex surface... nine volunteers, and ten tanks.
He wasn't actually quite certain when the idea to reserve the tenth tank had first come to him. Perhaps it had been during the evening he and Katze had spent at Iason's penthouse only a few nights ago. Sitting in the balmy nighttime, casually dining on fine food supplied by Dane's undeniable talented touch in the kitchen, drinking some excellent vintages and sharing amusing and interesting conversation with Iason and Riki's guest, Chey Neeson, Raoul had found his attention being drawn to the ex-Furniture more and more as the evening had worn on.
Perhaps, Raoul reflected now, it had been even earlier than that.
But, thinking back on the evening at Iason's home, certainly Katze had appeared intensely relieved at that point in the night, a marked contrast from his obvious tension when he had first arrived. The fact that Iason had simply thanked him for having the foresight to pass on the computer terminal's hard-drive data without being asked, rather than displaying his displeasure with the entire incident, had clearly lifted a burden from Katze's shoulders.
And towards the end of the evening, as the mood had grown quite congenial, and the warm night had closed in around the small party gathered on the balcony, Iason had made the simple and almost unconscious move of letting one arm rest across Riki's shoulders as they sat together on their bench. There had been nothing very overt in the gesture, Raoul had noted with surprising tolerance at the time. Indeed, the contact had seemed so unplanned, so natural, that he imagined Iason must have made that same action many times before.
It was just at the moment, however, that Raoul had glanced at Katze.
And for a moment, just a moment, the ex-Furniture's face had been a picture of transparency. There was been wistfulness there, a sorrowful acceptance, before Katze had schooled his expression and turned to answer a question from Chey Neeson.
But in a sudden moment of insight, Raoul had imagined he almost understood where that lonely and rather lost little expression had come from.
Looking at Iason and Riki, Katze had been seeing something that he had never actually had; something most likely denied to him in early life because the harsh realities of the slums meant it was virtually impossible to find a soul mate, and then denied again in later life due to his station in Tanagura society.
Absolutely astonishing to think it, considering that only a few short months ago the feelings of a mongrel would not have created a single spark of interest in him. Quite frankly, he would have been hard pressed back then to admit that he believed mongrels had any manner of feelings worth considering at all. But Raoul had to admit, the strength of the compassion that had filled him that night had quite honestly shocked him.
Now, standing in his Bio-Lab, Raoul let his fingers slip from the tank as he turned and walked back to his office. Of course, he could be completely mistaken. Iason had told him that Katze had once held great love for the Elite leader of the Tanagura Syndicate. Perhaps Katze had simply had a moment of longing for lost chances...
But, to Raoul, it hadn't looked like that. It hadn't really felt like that, either. Katze hadn't just been sitting there pining for unrequited love. It had seemed far more complex.
Sitting gracefully down behind his desk, Raoul steepled his elegant hands under his chin and stared blankly across the room, his mind filled with contemplation. That he cared for the ex-Furniture was a given. He had proven the true depths of his regard that night in Partia, not only to Katze, but to himself as well. It had been a quietly startling revelation; he'd had to admit, but nevertheless an undeniable one. He was no longer even interested in trying to refute the fact.
And, it was because of that fact, he wanted to be certain that he was offering Katze the place in the tenth tank for the correct reasons; not through any sense of egotism on his part, but because it would be an opportunity for Katze to live his life again as nature had intended him to... as a fully formed, whole and complete, healthy human male.
Where that journey might eventually take Katze, if he even decided to accept the proposal, Raoul could not even begin to guess.
But his pondering this evening had left him with one true certainly.
He was going to visit Katze tomorrow and make the offer.
"Raoul..." Katze was slightly startled having opened his new front door to allow access to the Elite. "This is a surprise. I would have thought you'd be over at the Bio-Lab getting ready for the trials."
Raoul nodded graciously at him as he strode into Katze's new apartment, looking around approvingly at the pleasant décor even if, as always, the light was muted due to the tightly closed blinds over the windows. "I was there for a short time earlier this morning, but there was another proposition that I wanted to make to you and..." the Blondie hesitated, looking almost uneasy, "I thought it best not to wait."
Intrigued by Raoul's unusual manner, Katze gestured for him to seat himself on the sofa, before taking the armchair opposite. "What it is? A new project?"
"No," Raoul's fleeting smile was tense. "The same project."
"I'm not sure I follow."
Katze watched Raoul closely, surprised to see the normally tightly contained Blondie actually pull in a deep breath, as if bracing himself before speaking. Those green eyes flicked up and held his own, an intensely serious light shining from within them. "Katze," Raoul said somberly, "the human trials are due to start in just under two day's time."
Katze gave him an odd look. "Yeah, I know. I read the project time frames, remember?"
"Of course." Raoul sat forward slightly. "There is one remaining place available in the trials."
Abruptly, Katze felt his heart begin to pound; he stiffened in his seat, the muscles of his back and shoulders tightening up.
The Elite in front of him continued to hold his now rapidly widening gaze. "I would like to offer this place to you."
Katze blinked, his breath shortening a little. "I... you," he swallowed audibly, almost not comprehending. He'd heard the words, of course, and they had even made sense. It was just that the meaning of them seemed so vast, so sudden. He shook his head, trying to clear his racing thoughts. "Are you serious?"
"I am."
"Oh," Katze looked around the room for a moment, before his brow creased as an undeniable question formed up in his mind. "Uhm... Why?"
If Raoul was surprised by that question he didn't show it. Instead, he leaned forward spreading his hands openly as he talked. "There are many reasons. Scientific and medical, of course, to see if the process is viable, just as I will be seeing if the process is viable for all the participants in the trial."
"I see." Katze wet his lips with the tip of his tongue, fumbling in his pocket for his cigarette packet.
"But there is another reason, a separate reason, that pertains just to you," Raoul added softly.
Katze lit his cigarette with a slightly unsteady hand, drawing in a deep lungful of smoke, letting the action sooth and calm him as it always did. "And this other reason would be?" he asked, blowing out a cloud of sweet scented smoke.
Raoul expression softened. "I consider you my friend," he said simply. "And, where an opportunity exists to give to a friend, I feel it should be taken."
Unable to stay still any longer, Katze got his feet, walking across the main living area of the apartment to the small dining table. He turned as he reached it, leaning his rump against its edge and looking back at the Elite with an almost challenging expression on his face. "Do you feel sorry for me, Raoul? Is that it?"
Raoul frowned, looking mildly affronted.
Katze nodded. "I mean, how did you even know that I'd be interested, huh?" he knew his tone was getting sharp, but he couldn't seem to help it. Even considering everything that had passed between them over the last few days, even considering the fact that the Blondie had saved his life, Raoul and his offer had touched upon a raw nerve. Yes, they might be friends, or perhaps even something more than that, but that didn't give Raoul the right to assume anything at all and it certainly didn't mean that Katze was prepared to discuss the matter. "Because, I'm doing just fine. I don't need a dick to know that I'm worth something."
Raoul's eyes closed for a moment, pained acceptance fleetingly crossing his face. "You are correct, of course." He rose to his feet as well, slowly crossing the floor towards Katze. "I don't know if this is something that you want to do." He stopped a foot or so away, his expression softening. "But then, being reasonable... if I don't ask how will I find out?"
Stuck for an answer, Katze's mouth hung open for a second before he suddenly laughed. It was a choked and brittle kind of chuckle, but it immediately made him feel better to know that he'd been able to do it at all. "Okay. A fair point, I guess." He rubbed at the side of his face for a moment before twisting around to stub out his unfinished cigarette in the ashtray behind him. "I'm sorry for getting wound up there," he faced Raoul once more, lifting his shoulders slightly. "It's just... It's not a subject I like to talk about, y'know?"
"I can assure you that your privacy will be respected, Katze," Raoul rested one hand on Katze's tense shoulder, his clasp warm and gentle. "No one knows that I am making this offer to you, and once you are in the trial, contractual privacy obligations will ensure that no-one involved on a technical or medical level will reveal that you were part of the program. The decision to enter the trial, or not, will be entirely your own choice... and your own business."
Katze blew his cheeks out slightly over a deeply anxious sigh, averting his face and staring at the floor for a long moment. "I don't know, Raoul," he said eventually. Shaking his head, he stepped away from the Elite, his shoulder sliding out from underneath Raoul's hand, and made his way to the sofa. Sitting heavily, he rested his elbows on his knees, his hands dangling loosely and his face filled with uncertainty. "I mean, honestly? I never, not even for a moment, thought that this kind of offer would come my way. Even though I knew what the new tanks were for, I just... it never crossed my mind, y'know?"
He watched as Raoul walked towards him again, moving to seat himself in the space next to Katze on the sofa. "And to be honest with you, Katze," Raoul replied, almost sadly, "not so long ago, the notion of making such an offer would not have occurred to me."
"So, why are making it now?"
Raoul sighed softly even as he lifted one broad shoulder, seeming to struggle with the answer. "I suppose that I..." he grimaced slightly, meeting Katze's gaze steadily as he set his elegant jaw firmly. "Surely, Katze, you must realize by now that I hold some considerable affection for you," he declared pointedly.
Katze stared at him for a moment before nodding slowly.
Raoul returned his nod, almost tersely. "I am making this offer because I want you to have the choice." He lifted his hands almost helplessly. "That is all. I simply cannot explain it any better than that."
The simplicity of Raoul's answer did make a certain amount of sense from Katze's point of view and, oddly enough, he found that he actually believed him.
"All right." Nodding, the ex-Furniture shifted his position, sitting back and turning to face Raoul more directly. "Not that I'm saying yes, or anything, but tell me how this thing would work. Is it just a case of dumping me into the tank, like you did with Riki, or is there more to it than that?"
"Riki's case was quite different from yours," Raoul began seriously, his green eyes holding Katze's gaze unwaveringly, "in that his injuries were only hours old when he was placed into the original amniotic tank. All that was needed to prepare him for immersion was to remove the rather sub-standard stitching that had been inserted by Guy and clean the wound."
Almost instinctively Katze winced slightly.
His eyes softening a touch with clear understanding, Raoul continued. "There was no existing scar tissue to impede the process as there would be in your case."
Katze held up a hand, his brow creasing as he searched his memory of those now-distant days of Riki's recovery. "But... wait a sec'... Riki had other scars, from even before he'd first left Ceres, and the tank healed them."
"That is true," Raoul conceded in his deep soft voice. "However, they were simple scars of the epidermis, Katze. Easily faded. If we were to immerse any of the trial volunteers into the tanks without first attending to the scar tissue that had developed in the place where a severed organ or limb used to be, then the most likely outcome would be that the tank would merely fade that scarring, rather than actually regrowing the missing body part."
Katze felt himself drawing back slightly, a certain dreadful suspicion creeping up on him. "Uh... Raoul?" he swallowed hard, "Exactly what do you mean by 'attending to the scar tissue'?"
"You would need to undergo a process of pre-immersion surgery to remove the scar tissue from the area," Raoul answered almost clinically. "Immediately following that procedure, you would be immersed into the tank until completion of your regeneration... theoretically."
"By 'removal', you mean 'cutting', right?" Katze heard his voice shaking slightly.
Raoul's face was very solemn as he nodded. "Yes."
"Shit," Katze whispered, rubbing one trembling hand across his mouth. "God, I don't know about that, Raoul."
"The process would be completely painless. You would be kept unconscious the entire time."
"It's not that," Katze swallowed again, a faint roil of nausea washing slowly through his gut. "It's just... I don't like the idea of anyone cutting into me down there, y'know? Not again."
"Exceptional care would be taken, Katze," Raoul assured him softly, his eyes clear with sincerity. "The surgical team would take every measure possible to limit the invasiveness of the operation."
Katze closed his eyes, breathing deeply. He felt torn, from the depths of his soul, he felt ripped in two distinct pieces. Part of him was insisting that the very notion was too awful, too fraught with potential failure, to even consider. Yet the other part of him could not deny the attraction of hope was very strong indeed.
To be whole again...
He looked up, his eyes opening once more as he searched Raoul's perfect face, seeing nothing but honesty and concern. "How long do I have to think about this?" he asked, frowning as he tried to recall Raoul's earlier words through the maelstrom in his head.
"You would need to be at the Bio-Lab to sign in for the trial, first thing in the morning, the day after tomorrow," Raoul told him, his voice markedly gentle, his words slow and clear as if he sensed Katze's struggle to process the information he was delivering.
Katze nodded, chewing anxiously at his lower lip for a long moment. "Raoul?"
"Yes?"
"If I agree to join the trial," Katze's voice was hesitant as the thought forming in his mind found its way into words, "will you perform the surgery?"
Raoul's eyes widened, surprise filling them. "Katze... are you certain that is what you want?"
Pulling in a deep breath, Katze lifted his chin. "Yeah. It is. Listen, I saw the work that you did on Iason before he went into the tank in Jupiter's sanctum. I know you're as gifted as any surgeon you might have drafted into your team, and..." Katze's voice lowered to a mere murmur, "I trust you. I can't get my head around some total stranger slicing into me, but if I know that it's you holding the knife... then I can go through with it."
Raoul was silent for a long time, and when he spoke, his voice was filled with something that sounded very much like amazement. "Remarkable... but I hardly know what to say to you at this moment." The Elite shook his head, his expression transparently touched by Katze's words. "I agree to your terms, Katze. I will take you through this process myself."
Katze vented a deep sigh of relief, the sheer depth of it momentarily overriding even his profound anxiety. "Okay," he whispered tightly. "Okay, I'll do it."
"I'll make the appropriate arrangements then," Raoul rose to his feet, smiling slightly as Katze also stood to walk him to the door. "I will have the required papers ready for you to sign when you arrive at the Bio-Lab."
Katze nodded again. "Is there anything I should bring with me?"
"Nothing specific," Raoul turned to face him as they reached the closed front door of Katze's apartment. "A change of clothes, perhaps. Your standard personal items for when you emerge from the amniotic tank. Other than that, everything else will be provided to you."
"God," Katze's whisper sounded tight and stained to his own ears, "I'm already shitting myself."
In a move that honestly stunned Katze with its gentleness, Raoul lifted his hand and carefully cupped the scarred side of the red-head's face, his thumb softly stroking, his beautiful eyes filled with warmth and assurance. He lifted Katze's chin slightly so that the mongrel had to meet his eyes. Katze was stilled by the touch, more affected by the tenderness of it than he would ever have expected.
"Your trust had quite humbled me, Katze. You, who have so many rational reasons to withhold such things, are still capable of hope." Raoul murmured, an almost sorrowful little smile curving his rich mouth. "You can rest assured; I will do my best for you."
"I know." Katze felt his eyes closing, his brow creasing with unformed pain knotting in his chest. "But if it doesn't work..?"
Raoul's soft sigh was almost exasperated, for all that the Elite still smiled down at him. "Then it doesn't work," he replied simply, lifting one broad shoulder, "and I shall still be here."
Katze's eyes snapped open, widening as Raoul's words sank in on him.
Without warning, without so much as a single indication that such a thing was about to occur, Raoul leaned forward slightly, his lips gently brushing the side of Katze's mouth. The kiss was brief, almost fleeting; just the barest touch of soft lips against his skin, but Katze felt the contact jolt through his body, all the way down to his toes.
Utterly shocked, but oddly, not unpleasantly so, Katze stared up at him, his jaw dangling open. "You..." he began, then shook his head. "Did you just..? I mean... you..."
Raoul almost regretfully pulled his warm hand way from Katze's face, the faintest shade of amusement in his eyes. "It was so awful, then?" he asked, arching one brow.
"No." Astonishingly, Katze felt a chuckle forming up in his throat. "No. It was nice."
And that was certainly true, Katze had to admit. In fact, it was quite possibly the sweetest damned touch he had known in a long, long time. And that was actually kind of tragic, a small and disconnected part of Katze suddenly realized. That he had spent the greater part of his adult life alone, a solitary unit, unimpeded by emotional entanglements, untouched by anyone.
Until, against all possible odds and even logical reasoning, Raoul Am of all people, had drifted elegantly into his life and filled it with possibilities.
"Good." Quite unaware of the revelation occurring within the ex-Furniture, Raoul squared his shoulders and reached for the doorknob. "If you wish, I can collect you the day after tomorrow for admission to the trial program."
"Okay." Katze rubbed his hands down the side of his pants. "That's fine."
"Very well." Raoul opened the door and moved to leave the apartment.
"Raoul?" Katze waited until the Blondie turned back to him, his expression politely enquiring.
Katze smiled. It was shaky, he knew, only small, but nevertheless genuine. "Thanks."
Raoul nodded, his splendid eyes speaking volumes. "You are most welcome." With that, he left without further word, quietly closing the door behind him.
To thine own self – chapter 11 << >> To thine own self – chapter 13